blaaaaaaahhhhh.....

For starters, what the fuck is a "might could?"
What does it mean?

As in, "you might could do that?" I've never heard a more broken, discombobulated, or otherwise corrupted pair of words used together. Ever.

Secondly, it IS, after all, a KILLER Whale.

Lastly for today, where's my green pillow??

More musings from the gym and other miscellaneous debris

The gym. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany". Of course, if by scum, you mean random clueless old people trying to figure out how best to arrange their sagging bodies onto the big metal contraptions before them without breaking their feeble bones or tearing their paper-thin dermis's. And by villany you are referring to the muscle bound freaks in the back who spend dauntless hours and hours lifting the entire left half of the gym up and down, up and down. If this is what you mean, then you my friend are SPOT ON.

These steroid boys trip me out. I mean, I understand that it is a public gym and you pay a monthly premium to be able to come and lift, or run, or ogle the pretty people, or whatever it is that you feel your $89.00 a month affords you. But these guys. Jesus. Just once I'd love to see one of them; face all red and veiny, eye's bulging from their sockets, in the middle of one of his primative "UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH" screams that can be heard from Locust Point, I'd love to see his head just explode. Maybe when he's back there on the bench press and his equally gigantic buddy with the freakishly large upper body and the equally freakish teeny tiny little legs (how is this dude even standing up) is spotting him. I'd love for this guy to just start wailing and suddenly, "POP" there goes his little head, all over his buddies midsection. Tough break guy. At least the rest of us can work out in peace.

Also, I've decided, after having to spend my entire 10 minute set on the lateral pulldown machine listening to these two older British ladies blather on about one thing or another, that I cannot stand the British prenuncuation of the letter A. If I have to hear "can't" or "past" or "pass" or any other word that has the A sound i'm going to lose my shit. Here's an excerpt of the conversation as I remember it: "Seriously, I CAAAAAAAHHHHN'T imagine what she was thinking. I mean, things like this (I can't recall exactly word for word, as I was concentrating on my own workout, but there were a few more hard A sounding words coming up) have a tendency to PAAAAAAAAHHHHHSS." I just wanted to get up and hit her in the eyeball everytime she over extended her A words. As I was fininshing up, and in between ipod selections I heard, "her whole situation is so PAAAAAAHHHHHHSSE anyhow." C'mon. Passe? Who the fuck still even uses that word! Passe. Give me a break.

Lastly for now, and completely random and unrelated to anything, Michael Hutchence was a genius....

have a GROOOOOOVY day!

The Wednesday Varietal!

Camping out on Old Lady Row.

That's what it felt like at the gym this morning. Old lady to the left of me, two more to my right. Each and every one of them confused or overwhelmed in their own special little way. The lady all the way on the end was clearly new. Either at the gym altogether or just at the machine that she selected to try and operate this particular day. No lady, unless your a jedi, you can't just stand there and stare at the elliptical and will it into motion. You'll need to follow the onscreen instructions. You know, the ones that are flashing in green and scrolling across the screen?

Press "Quick Start". Just press it for christsake! It's the big green square button that you've been staring at for the last 3 minutes.

And her equally clueless compatriot; it's not a touch screen, that's a television monitor that you keep poking. And it helps if you're actually ON the machine before you try to begin your "routine". C'mon ladies, get your shit together.

In other news.... Broken Spleenotronic Funtime Factories™ morning-ly (<---made up word alert) reports are showing HUGE sales of the amazing, the wonderful, the groove-a-rific iTub! One girl over in Locust Point ordered 4! Which means, of course, since she took advantage of the 12 second sale window, that she will receive a whopping 16 iTubs (assuming, of course that she fills out her Friendly-Sunshine-Rainbow L.E.C.A.P.A.A.F.T. packet! and returns it registered mail asap!)

In other, other news... I am waiting patiently for the MAXX # 25 (originally issued in 1996) to come in! I can't read beyond #25, although I have #'s 26 thru #31, plus #33 and #34. Just letting you all know the status on that.


nothing else for now!

iTub®

And now....

ladies and gentlemen...

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sick and tired of the whole bathing process?

the actual act of undressing, testing the water, waiting for it to get warm enough, but not to warm?

the unnecessary standing around in the stall, undoubtedly urinating all over your lower half?

the washing of your body?

the soap in your eyes?

the ridiculous time wasted drying your body off when your done?

If any of this sounds like you, then don't wait a second longer. Act now before this limited time offer for the amazing, the exhilarating, the unbelievable iTub® is gone forever.

If you act in the next 12 seconds, not only will we quadruple your order (that's right folks, you get not only 1 incredibly difficult to use, obtrusive, and, quite frankly, painful as all get-out iTub®, we'll send you 4!!) but the team here at BSFF ™ will throw in our newest super-secret undercover invention! So super-secret and wonderful that we can't even name it in this once in a lifetime offer! All that we ask from you is that you sign our Friendly-Sunshine-Rainbow-Dewdrop life eradication contract and property, asset, and family transference packet and all this can be yours!

From you old friends at Broken Spleenotronic Funtime Factories™.

The iTub®!

The worlds greatest internet tub thats a tub on the internet!

NBC is a douche

It's been a while since I've had a good old fashioned mental breakdown. I'm about due. I can sort of see it, forming around the edges and splintering and crackling it's way thru my precious little head. Time will tell, but it won't be long. Can't wait for that!

In other news.... I've found myself freakishly devoted to this installment of the Olympics. No matter what the event, I'm completely spellbound. That being said, I am flabbergasted that they would actually show the fatal accident involving the Georgian Luger that occurred on Friday. We don't need to see that. I'll admit that most times in life I follow my morbid curiosity around wherever it pleases. Alot of the time, I'm actually prodding it ever-onward, but c'mon. The dude died and it's the Olympics, the preeminent international celebration of all things sport. The last thing we as an audience need is to see this poor guy flip off his sled, smack into a steel poll, and eventually lose his life.

Way to go NBC.

Douche bag.

Grammar, coffee, pedophiles, and word-vomit...

Thanks to my friend Amy, I've got the BGE "wires down, RED ALERT!" song from the extraordinarily gay commercial stuck in my head. What was BGE thinking about? "ok, lets have a look at our employee files and select either the creepiest guy, the one who still lives in his Mom's basement and is a world champion Warcraft player, logging 15 hours average per day, or the guy with the most child-sexual-assault convictions on his record. Once we've identified our man, lets hire the worst jingle team that we can possibly find, maybe the folks from Empire Flooring? or maybe the team that put together the 877-481-LUNA spot?, or the guys from Bill's Carpet Warehouse. Find em, get em into the studio with our pedophile-warcraft-hero-basement-dweller and we'll surely have a hit!" And what happened when these two titans met? What wriggled it's way past the collective sphincter of these guys? Our lovely "Wire Down" tv spot.

Anyway, it's snowing again, again. The weather guys are saying snow until about midnight. Which means we will be buried once again. Who knows for how long. I think I saw somewhere that with the current snowfall, we've reached an all-time record here in our lovely Gotham.

Lastly for today, we make our coffee with a French Press, which I really like. My favorite thing about it is the ease with which (with which? is that proper? I need to find my copy of Elements of Style. To all the editors or grammar snobs out there, if your collective heads (is it proper to have parenthesis inside of parenthesis? how does that work? again - Elements of Style. Anyway, I started this second digression to say that I have been lucky enough to use the word "collective" twice in a matter of a few paragraphs. But, anyway, back to the first digression...) has not exploded out of growing frustration with my inconsistent "mastery" of our language, I sincerely apologize). Back to the point. The French Press. The ease with which (oh god, here we go again...). Let's go with in with. The ease in which (whatever, I don't even care anymore). I like it because I can make the coffee so strong that it tastes almost like chocolate. That was alot of word-vomit for almost nothing, right? Well, welcome The Faraway Hello, where we are all about word vomit!

(does the period live inside or outside of the parenthesis.). I put it in both places until I am corrected!

Enjoy the weather.

SHIT THE BED!

Wow, it really snowed! We got close to (if not more then) (or than) 30 inches. No update yesterday, sorry everybody, was busy trying to survive the blizzard. It's official, they're calling it a blizzard. First really big dump of snow that we've had in what seems like forever. I'd be surprised if we saw another snow like this in a number of winters.

Superbowl today! woooohooo.....

I won at poker last night. Double wooooohoooo....

One last thing about old people. we were just (literally just) talking about how things in life come full circle, including life itself. Old people are just like little babies, shitting themselves, drooling all over the place, constantly falling down, etc.

all for now.

blah, blah, blah

Grey outside. Grey, grey, grey....
I love it though.
Hoth-like.
The snow is en route.
I think I can see Imperial Walkers on the horizon.

First sign, first flake, first droplet of moisture, and its back home for a snowed-in weekend of alcohol, poker, Elvis's, probably some video games, some literature (I'm a smarty) and whatever else may come.

I've almost completed the mind-numbing task of converting all of my cd's to digital format. Thank god. I need a new ipod. So far, I have 15 gig of music in itunes and I still have 50 or so albums to go. I think I'm going to use some of my tax return to buy an ipod classic. It's like 160 GB!

I think 70% of the people I know are sick right now. It's not the plague, but some of them have said that it's bubonic-esque. I will be doing my best to avoid that.

Was thinking this morning during my seemingly-endless commute about Salad Fingers and the nettles! I'll be surfing my way over there directly.

Space ghost says hello......

from faraway, of course.

self-checkout

it's a Doors kinda morning...

strangest life indeed, Jimbo.

impending snowstorm of the century approaching rapidly. our local idiot weatherman has promised, no, guaranteed at LEAST a foot on Saturday. We shall see.

Just came from the grocery store to stock up on the essentials (extra tubes of toothpaste, toothpicks, more toothpaste, anything else tooth-related). The place was jammed! Thankfully, all of the old people are either afraid of or confused by the self-checkout aisles, so it was basically smooth sailing! One old-timer was standing there with two cantaluopes under one arm and a bag full of potatoes under the other, just staring at the "self checkout" signage, completely overwhelmed by the idea that a machine could conduct hie entire transaction without the assistance of an actual person. I darted past him and dropped all my shit in front of the scanner. He looked once more at the sign, eyeing it like it was written in Latin, and then sluggishly turned and wandered off towards the Q-tip isle.

anyway, that's all for today! excited about the prospect of gobs of snow!

from yesterday....

Wednesdays are great days. i start out at my local bagel place for a, well, bagel and iced coffee, i sit in the front window and watch the world go by. today it's especially nice because there is 5 inches of snow on the ground. i read the city paper, looking for such gems as the above dirt farm comic ^. If you can't make it out, its basically pretty sheep-shaped clouds peeing on the main character City Papers' absolute finest.....

nothing else for today, nothing planned... maybe some video games and a movie.... and avoiding the clouds...

missing whippits and a leather shark...

the Breeders have a song on the Title TK album - which is great album, by the by - that ends with a line about joys of whippits. Speaking of, we watched an episode of intervention last night all about huffing and the inherent dangers of said practice. this got me feeling nostalgic - reminded me of my ice cream factory days and the endless canisters of whippits that we would run thru every night. goodbye brain cells, hello one-and-a-half-minutes of extraordinary intense buzz fun!

Also, and completely random and unrelated, I like to try to wrap my head around certain all-encompassing feelings that a person might be experiencing in a given situation. I find it helps with character development. Here's today's ...

what would it feel like, psychologically, physically, emotionally, etc. to be, say, in the middle of the ocean, having just survived a boat sinking and to be stuck there - alone, treading water in the dark - only to feel something big and (what I imagine must feel like) leathery dart past you, maybe brush your leg. If you knew it was a shark - or really any undersea monster, but for arguments sake, let's just say it's a shark. Could you imagine the fear? To think that your life is now in the hands (or teeth) of a creature who sees nothing more than (or then?? one's for comparison and one is time-related, I always screw them up) it's next meal. Complete and utter helplessness I would imagine. What would you do? What COULD you do? I guess just float around and wait....

anyway, I'm off in search of pressurized whip cream!!

the office...

the office is the greatest television of all time. I'm completely addicted. I have every available season on dvd and I watch it whenever it's on, whether I've seen the episode a million times already. Additionally, I'm so used to my blackberry correcting my misuse of apostrophes. I've (there's a perfect example right there) (haha...and another one!) had to go back through my blog updates and insert them as needed!

I think that's all I have for today. think it's movie night!

more snow in the forecast for this upcoming weekend. hope we get snowed in.

remind me to tell you all about the Glendfetter...